I received an email from a professor last night that exposed me as one who informed my college's administration of a concern I had about a class this past semester. It is true, I did confide in them my gravest concerns about staying true to the college's methodology of the socratic, rather than moving towards the oxford model of lecture. I believe that the administration kept all comments anonymous, but did share with the mentors/professors the students' concerns as written on a college-wide survey.
The email was short and to the point—verbally and physically, it pointed directly at me with a sharp poke. At first my amygdala flared up in "fight mode" as I tried to understand my fault. I settled down to pondering upon him and the hurt he must feel, according to the feel of his email. However, I had not recalled anything hurtful I had said about him or the other professor, only that I was concerned that they used the Oxford model of teaching, which is against the college's methodology and not on what I want to pay my scarce monies.
I was sincerely sorry about the harm that my comments had caused, but I was confused at why he would point all his anger at me. Still, I tried to reconcile our differences and to apologize, still holding onto the fact that I need an education that employed the socratic method. I sent a kind and sincere email to him and tried to sleep.
Sleep never came until 3:00 AM.
When I awoke a few hours later, there was a response from him that bore so much weight of anger, not only at me, but toward the administration and past administrations, student evaluations and many more things. He sent me old papers he had written about bad-mouthing; about how student evaluations not only do not help, but cause much harm; about working things out before-hand with the perpetrator of the offense before sharing the "gossip" with others. Many other things he pointed out in his long papers and I melted into "victim" mode again. What had I done to receive such a heavy burden? It was so utterly incomprehensible and vast and unclear that I broke down and cried. Did I truly merit this heavy massive weight? Had I truly been the one to cause him such intense and boundless anger?
...or was I the scapegoat for his years-worth of built-up anger so expansive it burst...
As I dwelled upon the matter, I imagined this vision:
I stood before my professor as a meek student searching for truth,
and he loomed over me with a heavy solid sword in his hand.
Anger had overcome him.
Every morsel of anger he had collected over the decades,
toward administrations, student evaluations and much more
from decades of teaching had come together at this very moment
to make mighty his sword as he
plunged it's heaviness into my heart and killed me.
I was no longer alive for him...
not him
But, then a very dim light shone through the darkness and illuminated a small corridor leading upward...
I came to the only person who could possibly understand,
the person filled with all light and understanding,
Christ
He, who had the power to lift us all from the Grave, has the power to lift our Burdens and carry them for us on condition that we follow him. I became alive for Him ...and for me, and for my family and for all around me who will have me be in their life. Christ and his glorious power came through for me once again.
Christ's love and his atonement has the power to fill our hearts until it is overflowing with light and love and if we let it, it will fill every space within our bodies until we become children of Christ, having been saved by his Redemption.
Of this I testify, Amen.
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